We love them for ways we are similar and ways we differ, for idiosyncrasies and sensibilities, for right or wrong and the list goes on…
One typical issue our experts encounter more often than not is that of couples, married, living together or otherwise, doubting their relationships and the whole ‘Are we even meant for each other’ cliche.
The intent of this post is not to provide relationship advise, as we opine that every relationship is a unique one and can’t be casted into one size fits all mold.
We are presenting here some real-life stories of couples, of what they thought of each other and how they made their bond stronger.
Take a cue or two if you will.
Avi and Ashima
Avi and Ashima, a couple married for less than a year, became nervous when they realized they were fighting just too often, to not be concerned about.
Things went from bad to worse and the mindful two decided to take counsel from the experts. In the subsequent discussions Ashima revealed that Avi never held her hand in public and that there was no apparent affection on his part when they were outside their home.
This left Ashima feeling distressed beyond her means and she started wondering if Avi was not too proud of her in the public!
Avi was only a little short of belligerent when he was asked about Ashima’s apprehensions.
Quoted he, “What serious man hold hands in public! The whole public display of affection is an immature gimmick. And I do not feel it’s important to prove only this way that I love someone”
Is Ashima wrong in her expectations?
Is Avi being a BIg-head and squashing Ashima’s relationship aspirations?
Are they not meant for each other ?
John and Rachel
John and Rachel were married 4 years back with the consent of the families. Cracks begin to appear in the marriage not long after, and reached to the verge of the two thinking of parting ways.
On advise of their attorney and friend they approched a professional. Things which were never said or shared, started coming to the surface in the discussions.
The problem for the two was, Rachael is a meticulous planner and likes to plan everything to the last detail.
Whereas John is more of a laidback person and seldom plans anything at all.
For Rachel everything must go according to her plan and if it does not, she is immensely troubled.
This basic change in personal nature started ticking them off. Where for one the other person’s traits were unacceptable.
John says why so much planning for every little thing? It is a waste of time.
Rachel gets very upset as John doesn’t follow her planning all the time.
Is Rachel wrong for being obsessively organized?
Is John a slack and not pulling his weight?
Are they not meant for each other ?
In both the cases above, there is a pattern of response and behavior.
Each one of them is focusing only upon how they are better than the other or how their opinions are better than those of their partners.
People who make their marriage successful are the ones who focus on their partners opinions as well and learn from it. If one focuses on dissimilarity only, the relationship will not thrive.
Our expert guided them to think of these dissimilar behaviors as their strength.
Every time it bothers, think of a similarity that you might have. This will make you like the other person. Then again close your eyes and think of the partner’s pattern and accept it as this is what they are, it will calm you down.
Rima and Roshit
Rima thinks of her husband Roshit as one dominating, insensitive person and wants to separate from him.
Our expert asked Rima to do a very simple exercise. He asked her to close her eyes and think about Roshit and herself and tell him what she sees.
The visual in Rima’s unconscious mind is Roshit yelling at her about things she doesn’t feel are important. Our expert asked her to concentrate on her imagery and replace her head with some other girl and now think about it.
You know what Rima said then! Now Roshit’s yelling don’t bother me that much. His points do male sense.
What changed there exactly? Why did Rima’s perception changed?
She changed the way she associates herself with her husband. The change in association lead to shift in focus which helped Rima to calm down. Now she feels better. Every time she thinks Roshit is yelling at her, she thinks about Roshit talking to some other person and that leads her to thinking about the situation more objectively and making decisions.
Her newly acquired calm demeanour has a calming effect on Roshit as well.
Note: This is based on real life cases handled by Dr Jacob Raju. We have changed the names to maintain annonymity.