How Do You Deal With Your Spouse's Death

Stella is my receptionist. One evening she rushed to my room. She looked extremely worried and on inquiring she replied “I feel so helpless about my son. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t follow any instructions! I don’t know what to do, I need  your help”. Jack, her 15 year old son, has missed few class tests also and when Stella tried to ask him about it he just stopped talking. He also attempted to end his life by taking sleeping pills. 

Its already hard for Stella to manage both job and family and her son is making it even harder on her.

I asked Stella to get her son to me and I spoke to him. I calmed him down by striking a general conversation about his studies, friends and extra-curricular interests. He started opening up gradually and trusting me. I met him again and subsequently realized that there were lot of things which had bottled up in him.

Jack was a reserved person and never really had a friendly relation with his dad but he realized it only when he was gone. He found himself guilty of his dad’s death. 

Stella always compares him with his cousins, which had makes him feel inferior. 

Stella, being over protective had annoyed him and restricted freedom which others had. Jack not only had to undergo with pubertal peaks but also had other things bothering him.

My initial conversations were more about understanding Jack and subsequently it was about helping him to see things objectively. Gradually I made him realize the worth of life and facing problems as a challenge. 

 I asked him what he sees in future and helped him prioritize things in life so that he can achieve what he dreams. The only way to do that is to work towards it and not run away from it. I also convinced him that his dad’s death was an accident and not his fault.

Few conversations with Stella helped her understand how such comparison induces a sense of failure in him and how she should make him understand from within rather than compare or enforce rules.

In another session, I also spoke to both of them together and  made them understand each others perspective. Now they were able to respect each other’s view too.

Back home, Stella and Jack sat together to make his study time table as exams were approaching and that was priority identified by Jack to help him to achieve his future dream.

Now Stella doesn’t force Jack and he gets his freedom. Jack supports Stella in her household works, sits with her for prayers, shares some important events of day and I see a relaxed Stella back at work now.

Sometimes life takes its own turns making us its victims but still that’s not the end, it could be
a beginning of something new. You be its victim, it wins, you challenge and rise up, you win!!!!

Attitude matters! Take things positively and you would want to live.

Author:  Ramya Poojari, Clinical Psychologist  
It is one of the real life cases handled by Ramya Poojari. We have changed the names to maintain annonymity.