Initially, it started with luring me to allow him to touch my private parts in exchange of chocolates. My private parts in his hands to fondle meant that the usual body parts covered by undergarments were exposed to him. This man had all the confidence of my parents, he had access to me at all times which meant when my parents were out for work, when he thought he could either come over or ask my parents to drop me to his place for tuition, or any random time he could spot me alone at home. My parents adored him. He was very spiritual, would talk about God, tell me religious stories and talk about a lot of religious and spiritual stuff. Everybody thought of him as ‘sanyasi’, he was a self-proclaimed type. Nobody knew the actual image except for me.
He initially used to talk about God. He taught me that men and women are meant to be together, and only a few chosen are born to take the humanity to another level of spiritual advancement. He taught me that age is just a number and at the age of 14 my mensuration has gifted me the divine right to choose my partner. A brain washing of 2 years along with sexual abuse had made me believe that a man more than twice my age was actually in love with me and that I loved him. When I told my parents about my affair with him, they were devastated. They felt that they failed as parents. I faced rejection from my father though I was lucky to have my mother as my consistent support. My mother decided to take me to a psychologist, not because I was crazy but because I needed someone to talk me out of this situation. I was confused, fooled and someone took advantage of my ignorance. The psychologist made it clear to my parents that adolescents or growing kids have no knowledge about what is happening in their body hormonally. They are easy to lure and fool in something like this. Such lecherous people easily take advantage of an identified target, making note that:
- The target is lonely.
- Target doesn’t have anyone to share their minds with.
- Target is seeking love and acceptance from parents and peer.
It took a lot of time for the therapist to convince me that it wasn’t love, because if it was the guy would look for my best and help me work towards my future. My therapist made me understand that my future is not to be someone’s lover or a wife only. She made me realize that I am an individual who has brains, potential, and aptitude to be someone great and not just a lustrous meal for a guy more than twice my age. I slowly and steadily realized that I was only being used up for sexual pleasure and I was being fooled and talked into giving up my body for someone’s sexual pleasure. She taught me that I could get an emotional support from my parents and friends, but it need not necessarily come from a sexual partner.
The more I understood the more I stated to hate my body, I was disgusted by myself. My therapist again played an important part, she taught me that lack of my knowledge and presence of ignorance doesn’t mean that I was dirty or I lacked character. That lecherous pedophile who fooled an innocent child and wears a mask of spirituality, is the only criminal.
The more I discovered about my healthy parts of personality, the more I developed as an adult, the more I recognized myself as an individual rather than making abuse as the focus of personality, the better I grew as a smart and independent individual. I cant change my past, but I can do better by not allowing a vulture to feed on me emotionally or otherwise. I’m a strong, independent, working woman now. Sometimes my parents did give up on me and I can cut them that slack because nobody is perfect. I learnt to forgive people and learn a lesson from life, I learnt to grow out of experiences. An abuse is neither an accident nor mistake of the victim. I took it as an incident, an experience and grew above that. I never gave up on myself. I continued to believe in my dreams, I worked to reach what I wished for and I want to grow beyond this because: