How Fear of Rejection is Holding You Back

Every rejection in life brings with it the feelings of anger, despair, loneliness and sadness.  Also, no matter how many times one faces rejection, every ‘new rejection’ hurts the same. 

So, what makes rejection as one of the most feared words and why is it so painful? The answer lies in one of the most basic human needs.

Abraham Maslow, a psychologist, suggested that people have strong need to form and maintain caring interpersonal relationships to fulfil their fundamental motivation for love, acceptance and belongingness.  Any threat to this social need, that comes in the form of rejection brings anxiety over social exclusion, and is emotionally painful.

Rejection can be devastating and has been shown to be one of the main causes of depression and social anxiety.

In a particular study on teens experiencing rejection, it was found that it led to depression 3 times faster than other equally depressing life events.

We also do see a difference in people’s perception and reaction towards rejection. While some are able to take it with the attitude, “Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you,” there are some who take it personally and live out of this fear engaging in many self-defeating behaviours.

Let’s explore the dynamics of rejection in both personal and professional lives and see how this fear of rejection can affect us and our relationships.

Rejection in Personal Life:

I have come across situations where a husband felt rejected after a sexual innuendo being refused by his wife, when there is a delay in receiving a message from a loved one, being dumped by one’s girlfriend or boyfriend or bullied or any other kind of stigmatization. In each of these cases, it brings a blow to one’s self-worth with the surge of humiliation, anger and hurt at the realization that you were not important to someone you thought you were.

Living out of the fear of rejection, a person may not be living a genuine self as the strong need for acceptance makes him or her copy and follow others. It could be their dressing sense, their way of talking or certain mannerisms or rituals. This is the biggest reason, that in the process, many eventually fall prey to the ever notorious peer pressure. Aggression because of rejection can take the form of violence against innocent people and women.

In close relationships, this fear can also lead to a person being submissive, co-dependent, obsessive and even jealous. This could be detrimental to the relation and one may not even be aware that in their efforts to keep the person with them, they may actually be pushing him away. Many avoid social interactions to avoid the social pain of rejection.

Rejection in Professional Relationships

Source: gannett-cdn.com

Haven’t many of us faced the guilt, shame, embarrassment and sense of inadequacy when rejected from job interviews, our proposals not considered, downsizing, not getting the expected promotion or some information kept away.

In any of these rejections – whether real or perceived – efforts are made to reaffirm the sense of meaningfulness, but sometimes these efforts can turn counter-productive if not handled well as illustrated below:

1. Rejection might make a person either competitive and lead to increased risk-taking without planning or no risk taking fearing failure, which in both cases might harm the organization’s productivity.
2. The anticipatory anxiety of what if I make a fool of myself may result in hampering a person’s comfort to ask questions in a team.
3. Functioning in a people-pleasing mode may avoid arguments or controversial discussion as they fear being disowned and isolated. They may also feel taken for granted.
4. A heightened sense of insecurity about oneself may lead to trust issues, gossiping-criticizing co-workers thereby putting themselves and teammates at risk. They also get hurt by negative feedback.

For some the fear of rejection overtakes them and stops them from achieving what they most desire. Here are couple of questions that will help you peep into the world of rejection and brace it:

What do we fear more, admitting rejection or the rejection itself?

We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection – Is it really possible?

Whether we like it or not, we face rejections on a regular basis. Now, it’s up to you, if you want to learn from it, taking it as, “I could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there is still going to be someone who hates peaches”, or “If you want to live for people’s acceptance, then be prepared to die from their rejection”.

Rejections are common but we understand dealing with it can be painful! Talk to our experts at YourDOST and seek advice on how to deal with rejections better.