Don’t we often hear people say “Love is complicated”? Well, I agree. Love has no universal definition – it is a paradox in itself. Love makes us strong and it makes us vulnerable. Love can heal and also hurt. It brings a sense of completeness yet makes us dependent. Almost every love story begins with the hope of lasting for eternity. But the sad and surprising truth is that most of them end in a breakup.
Every break up has its own story – some couples separate due to the societal stigmas or due to the intervention of parents. At times, families and friends might be supportive but the couple may have irreconcilable differences – and this becomes the cause of a breakup. Some might tell you that a true relationship can be fixed and that one should fight forever to make it work. But, that is not always the case, right?
There comes a stage when you realize that a relationship will not work and it is in best interests to go separate ways.
Of course, no matter what the reason for the breakup, it is almost always hard to go through it when it happens. It is in all possibility the saddest phase of a relation. It ends the relation and affects both people involved in it, sometimes even more – friends, families and more. But it brings along important changes. Its lessons can be enlightening, lasting for a lifetime. The same is true for me.
Even if the love story does not last for an eternity, the lessons learnt from a break-up can. This is the paradox of life.
Some may consider me bold and many may call me a fool as I ended my 2 years long relationship after my engagement. Many people have asked me, “Why did you get engaged if you wanted to breakup?” What they do not realize while pointing fingers at me is that I didn’t plan the breakup. It happened. The important thing is I don’t feel guilty; I am assured I look the right decision.
Though a difficult decision, there are several lessons I learned after breaking up my engagement:
1. I learnt that a break up is devastating and heart-wrenching
I had decided to break the engagement. I considered myself solely responsible for it. I have spent nights crying. I would introspect my decision but I stayed affirm. I would eat one meal a day if it was served to me. It felt like I had lost a part of myself. I always had a person on my mind earlier but now I could think about no one. This feeling of emptiness lasted for a while but I have come a long way after that.
2. I learnt that hard times make one strong
At times, I would feel the absence of my partner. But I found an enormous, magical strength within myself to face this feeling. It tried hard to break me down but I fought back. The empty feeling expected me to fill the void but the breakup helped me understand that there is need to rush the process of finding and trusting another person to love. I have learned that a relationship has a lot more to do than meeting someone, getting engaged and then married – all before 30. Like every failure – I must have lost at heart, but I gained a lot more.
3. I learnt the importance of open conversations
I learnt that honesty and openness about emotions are necessary to have a healthy relationship. I understood the difference between being honest and being defensive. I realised the importance to be open instead of being closed and hidden.
I now know the importance of being able to have conversations without biases or judgement. There must be the freedom to have open conversations about insecurities involving, apartment decision, or past love. This helps in building an understanding which is necessary for a healthy relationship.
4. I learnt that forgiveness is a rare and a powerful strength
After a harsh breakup, naturally, you would want your ex to lament over leaving you. You would want them to feel guilty over their mistakes and faults. But ask yourself “Why?”
It’s easy to hold onto blame and be angry, but it’s hard to let it go.
These feelings of revenge are actually the signs of insecurity and weakness within us. Forgiving the one who hurt you and moving on is a sign of strength. Forgiveness requires a lot of courage and maturity. When you forgive, it shows that you have truly grown up.
5. I learnt that only I could be independent
When I turned my focus on myself from the relationship, I learned a lot. I now accept myself much more. I have grown and matured as a person. Of course, all of this happens gradually. It cannot take place in a blink of an eye. This phase can be very hurtful but eventually, it reduces the pain and brings peace.
Finally, I can say that now, I have more patience to look at my mistakes. I have figured out what went wrong in my relationship. I realised that it was about our flaws which could only be solved separately. I am able to face the insecurities residing within me. I took it as an opportunity for my personal growth and became stronger as an individual.