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Is Your Relationship Bothering You? (Part I) – Starting A Conversation When You Are Already Angry

2 Mins read
Actions that damage our relationships can seem so normal that we may not even think about them. When we strike out at a lover, friend, relative, or others when we are upset, it may seem like the most natural thing in the world. It may make us feel better for a moment, but we are putting that relationship at risk no matter who is “in the right” or who is “wrong.” 

If you are starting a conversation when you are already upset, don’t use criticism, sarcasm, or harsh words no matter how upset you feel. Don’t show the intention of insulting the other person with an open sign of disrespect. This ruins the atmosphere right from the start and closes the door on trust, love, and communication. It makes the other person feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It doesn’t matter who is “right” and “wrong.” Arguing about that won’t help because the problem is in our emotions, not our logical heads.

You are wrong, I am right!

The Magic of “I” Statements

Instead of attacking, use “I” statements. These may seem strange if you are not used to them, but they can work like magic to transform a situation.

Instead of blaming and attacking with accusing words like, “You are a stupid so and so!” talk about how this situation makes you feel. Say, “I am feeling bad about what happened. It hurt my feelings when you did such and such.” Say things that actually express the feeling you are having like “It hurts me when you….” or “I get mad when you…” or “I need you to be more……”

Make sure you say what you actually feel when you are speaking from inside your experience with an “I” statement, not some mental analysis, and encourage the person you are speaking with to do the same. Saying, “I feel you are a complete fool!” is not using an “I” statement. It is just attaching an “I” statement to an attack. Saying, “I think you are putting me in a bad position” is a mental analysis and is neither a full attack nor an actual “I” statement of your feelings and it will not help.

With “I” statements, you are still expressing yourself, still getting your emotions out and being honest, but instead of blaming, you are sharing a vulnerable truth that is underneath the anger. The anger is not the greater truth. The vulnerable hurt is the greater truth. This is true because the vulnerable parts of ourselves control our emotions and our relationships. Vulnerability comes from a deeper level of honesty. This is why we love children and animals. They are honest and vulnerable – and so are we inside. We need to learn to care for our actual inner natures and those of the people we love instead of shaming and judging them into hiding vulnerable truths forever in darkness to save face and appear strong.

Yes, you do have to be careful who you are vulnerable with. People who don’t care about you may abuse your openness and vulnerability. So choose your relationships carefully when you can. Bring people into your life who want your love and friendship, not those who want to hurt, dominate, and control you. 

As Jimi Hendrix said,
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.



Let us know about your own experiences in the comments below.

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About author
Kenton is an American psychotherapist with 15+ years of experience in solving the most challenging cases across the globe. He grew up from Portuguese explorer roots in an international environment and became fascinated with India from an early age. Kenton has great love and compassion for the Indians and shares the YourDOST. vision of bring stress free help and friendship to everyone in times of need. Kenton’s education, training, and clinical experience range from extremely serious psychiatric illness to his current focus on women’s empowerment, dating, and relationship issues. He is known as “The Sherlock Holmes Of Psychology” due to his ability to assess the essence of an issue immediately.
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