The dinner was turning into a nightmare, as my partner’s words echo in my ears, “Will you please make an effort to listen for once? You are not making any sense!”
I try to shut out his words by simultaneously talking, “You are always judging me! You are just like my father! You have no heart! It was a HUGE mistake trusting you! I don’t even know where the love that we first felt for each other is!”
He goes quiet. A look passes over his face, which I am unable to fathom. My heart starts hammering and I feel giddy as I try to not imagine the words he has not yet uttered. I feel breathless as he quietly gets up and walks away from the table, making me want to stab myself.
Years have passed, as I argue with my father, showing him how wrong he has been to my mother. His face screws up in pain as he feels the words stinging him. I turn away. Good for him. I tell my mother how illogical and irrational she becomes when it comes to dealing with family issues. She cries injustice and stops speaking to me. I sigh and decide that maybe I will try and fix this some other time.
It’s late in the night or early morning, I am not sure, but I can hear an argument erupting in the living room. The same words make their way into my ears, as I hear sobs. And a shrill piercing voice of my mother. I hear my father say something utterly outrageous as I hide under my blanket, hoping to sleep this same routine, away.
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Years have passed, as I argue with my father, showing him how wrong he has been to my mother. His face screws up in pain as he feels the words stinging him. I turn away. Good for him. I tell my mother how illogical and irrational she becomes when it comes to dealing with family issues. She cries injustice and stops speaking to me. I sigh and decide that may be I will try and fix this some other time.
Who knew, that eventually it would be me who would need fixing?
I can say from my personal experience that growing up in a hostile environment can wreak havoc on your personality as an adult. Those issues of rejection and abandonment, along with a lack of trust make grounds for the same behaviour that one may adopt as an adult once it comes to getting into a relationship of intimacy.
We are bleak and destroy our own life by imagining worst scenarios and then proactively behaving so as to avoid those things that may never happen. Here’s a small list as to what happens when we are a child brought up by fighting parents:
- Lack of confidence and trust – because if my parents themselves aren’t sure of their togetherness, and their relationship, how will I know if I am? Maybe if I do something on my own, it would turn out to be a disaster. I am not good, and I am not sure if anyone can help me.
- Emotional deprivation – If I don’t cry, I will appear stronger. I can deal with my problems on my own. My parents are anyway troubled, why must I bother them. They would again start arguing that my issues are because of them. Maybe they are.
- Need for approval and validation – Since my parents don’t think I am good enough, maybe she/he can tell me that I am not that bad. But do they really care about me? Maybe if I help them/appreciate them, they would see that I am a good person.
- Inability to let people come closer – Oh no! He said he loves me. He cannot love me. I will only make his life miserable. He deserves someone who will make him happy and does not fight with him. I will only fight with him, and hurt him. I must tell him that I am happy on my own and do not need his approval.
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These are only a few broad effects that may manifest themselves on someone who has gone through this trauma. There are many many more painful personality ailments that can be cured only with patience and love. And making choices that clearly demarcate that fact that we are not our parents and we have a shot at life. We deserve to be happy. And only we can do so by allowing ourselves to understand that none of that was our fault.
Today is a new day and we can make an effort for a better tomorrow.