“Counselling helped me a lot, it made me a positive person”, says a Depression Survivor.

Rashmi Nair*, a 24-year-old final year law student gives us a BOLD interview about body shaming, her struggle with depression and how she fought it.

What kind of issues did you face and when? What were the drivers for it?

I’ve faced a lot of body shaming and adult acne issues, for a very long time. The drivers were my supposed friends, peers, boyfriends, my family at times, their friends and society in general.

Since I was 15, my body has constantly been the topic of discussion. I was too skinny as a teenager and during college years, I consciously made the effort to become chubby. When I was chubby I would be shamed by some of the faculty members and certain students if I didn’t wear enough clothes to cover my assets.

In the same situation, my boyfriends would directly or indirectly pass certain statements that sort of shamed me for not being toned enough like the supermodels or the ones that come in magazines. I’ve always looked much younger than my age and everyone would always tell me that my body is undeveloped and malnourished. They would tell me that I look like a kid and nobody would want to marry me or be intimate with me. This never made sense to me as I could never understand why people are so fixated on having the most perfect body!

My looks are unconventional – I don’t have straight hair, I have big curly locks. People use to shame me for my hair continuously for two years when I was in high school. They used to pass weird statements so much that I can’t even describe.

I had developed a lot of acne during my early years of college. So after my hair, it seemed everyone’s attention focussed on my face and they began to shame me for that. But what was, even more, hurting was that my (first) boyfriend and his friends too made fun of me. He dumped me and gave the reason that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time as my face was pathetic and I was ugly.

In my second relationship, I was mentally cheated on by my boyfriend with other girls, many being my own friends. When I tried to talk about it with my family and friends they gave weird replies like, “That is how boys are, and it’s okay if they cheat on you mentally” while my boyfriends had dated me with the intention to use me for physical pleasures only.

How did it affect you mentally and physically?

I would cry for hours as I could never understand the reason for everything happening around me, though deep down I knew it was very irrelevant. I stopped socializing and avoided crowds. I developed this fear of talking to people about anything because I would always be worried what if the next minute they start talking about my body parts too.

I stopped taking pictures with my family. I started over-eating just to not be skinny. And, I would not exercise or play any sport at all just to avoid any weight loss.

It continued for almost 9 years of my life no matter where I went. Slowly, you know, it grew on me that maybe I was not good enough for anything and eventually I developed low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a huge inferiority complex.

At what point did you feel you had broken down completely? What did you do afterward?

When I tried to speak with my family and friends about the mental cheating issue they all gave me a similar response that it was no big deal. They said that there was nothing wrong with it, and that is how boys or men typically behave

For all the mean remarks I had heard about my appearance I was told that I had to let go of it because those mean remarks were passed by my boyfriends or friends out of immaturity. Everyone kept defending my boyfriend’s actions.

I personally don’t believe such behavior is a reflection of anyone’s maturity level but a reflection of how they think.

When did you decide to seek help from a counselor? How did it help?

It left me furious and highly dejected that just because someone was born as a man, the terms of commitment and relationship had to be more favorable to them. You know, there is a school of thought that no matter what your religion, ethnicity or class is, you are a human being first and we all deserve to be treated correctly and equally, without any bias. The same applies to romantic relationships as well. Our genders may be different, anatomically we may differ, but we are humans at the end of the day. I did not want to feel, think or believe the kind of notion others had about relationships because it was leaving me in a lot of inexplicable pain. I, obviously, did not want to feel like that at all, ever again. I just wanted someone to come and tell me that what I want is possible and it exists.

That is when I decided to take counseling – to declutter my thoughts, speak my mind out to a neutral being and figure out why I was in so much pain. I wanted to understand the reason why I was facing issues like these over and over again or why was I being treated so horribly by someone I trusted. I had terrible thoughts and I could not decipher them.

How are you doing now? How do you look at your life now?

The counseling helped me a lot. It made me a very, very positive person. I don’t face an inferiority complex anymore. I don’t have a negative outlook towards my body, face, physical appearance, career, and family – basically nothing. I am sure about my existence, my worth and the purpose of my life. I also don’t get worried anymore about being treated like how I was treated in the past. I am at peace with my true self now. I am more focused and I am genuinely happy – very, very happy. I do get sad once in a while but it is very different from the depression I had gone through.

Tell us about your book and the motive behind writing it.

I have recently published my first e-book on Amazon Kindle. I’ve given a true and detailed account of my experience of suffering from depression, how I fought each of the issues that I spoke about earlier in the interview and how I broke conformity and body image issues. It also discusses methods of maintaining a healthy state of mind, why it is so important. While we all know that mental health is a taboo in our society, with this book, I attempt to break the stigma around seeking help and support.

I was writing all my negative thoughts down while seeking counseling as asked by my counselor. I needed to release them or vent them out in some form or the other. My counseling experience has taught me a lot about how to maintain a good or healthy state of mind, how to be positive, how to deal with various problems especially body image. Adult acne body shaming issues, etc. I wanted to share my experience with everyone so that others can benefit from it too just as I did.

Some of the things I learned during this whole ordeal are:

•  Irrespective of what age you belong to, your thoughts have power,
•  Mental health is a very serious issue that needs to be taken with seriousness,
•  Body shaming needs to stop,
•  Women need to stand up for their thoughts and society needs to change their mentality to avoid women being discriminated, raped or sexually harassed.

Our thoughts are the first steps toward the manifestation of any action or behaviour. The success and achievement of all your goals in life is a manifestation of your mindset,thoughts, energies and vibes and not just our hard work. We have the control of our lives and what happens to us.

What is your message to teenagers on how they should deal with body image issues?

Just because blue is the color of the season does not mean other colors are inferior or worthless. Similarly, just because society is inclined to a certain body type does not mean yours is inferior or worthless. Love yourself, be exactly who you are and improve yourself and not alter it completely. It’s your body and it’s all for your pleasure, enjoy it devoid of everyone’s opinions and only pay heed to your opinions about what is positive or negative. Most importantly be grateful for whatever you have, cherish it, each and every second of your life because these moments will never come back.

*name changed

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